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Live. · Laugh. · Love.
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Ever feel like you need a good cry? Or just a good person to just tell everything to? I feel like everyone that I used to turn to has dissapeared or just chooses to ignore me. I don't know who I have to talk to about my feelings anymore. Lol. I guess I'll just get over it. |
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My neighbor passed away this past November. He has terminal cancer, lung cancer, I think. He used to do my taxes, as well as my moms. He was a really nice guy. My mom's all sad. I am, too, but I guess I show it differently. I didn't know him personally. I always said Hi and waved to him when I saw him outside. I'm pretty sure the last time I saw him, he was outside washing his car and I waved at him. He had just been married to his long time girlfriend. He was an older man and wanted to marry her so she would be left his assets, or something. But I'm happy that they shared that expierence. He loved and was loved in return. It's bitter sweet. He died on Friday the 13th, and I didn't know until yesterday. School has been stressful. I found out yesterday that I might qualify for another grant if I fail my math class. I think I'm okay with it, because I still get to keep the Pell grant even if I do fail it. It would be nice if I did get it, because that'd mean more money for me so I could pay off my car and move out sooner rather than later. I can't keep living here like this. I can only do so much. I'm going to a wedding with Chris on Saturday. I'm actually nervous about it because I don't have anything to wear yet and I don't know how to dance. So if there's dancing at the reception, I think I'll just sit it out. I'm way too shy for that. I suppose I'll have to learn eventually though. People say it's easy to slow dance. I remember it being awkward at school dances and I wasn't quite sure what I was doing. I think it's awkward to slow dance. I attempted to try with Chris the other day. I put on some Frank Sinatra and made him dance for a few seconds before his discomfort and my discomfort was too much. Other people make it so easy, but I think that I'm just too much of an awkward person. If I ever get married, I will probably do the YMCA for my wedding dance, haha. Just kidding. I miss dance. I miss having a class to go to where I can learn something and have fun with it. I also miss theater. I don't have time for either classes. And I wasn't really good at dancing. I'm good just listening to my ipod and dancing uncontrollably by myself. Theater, on the other hand, I can't do alone. I miss that. My friend Preston text messaged me the other day saying that he was grateful he took the theater class and met me and is happy for our friendship. It was out of the blue and made me feel really appreciated. I told you, it's the small things. My medication for my migraines is actually an anti-depressant as well. I'm not sure if it's helping with the depression because I still feel like the same. I'm not sure anyone else has noticed any change in me. But my migraines are subsiding somewhat. I feel like the medication is masking the pain. It doesn't hurt, but I can still feel it. Yesterday I had a headache and it slowly moved to my neck and shoulders. It's never done that before. In fact, right now I still have a dull pain in my head, neck, and shoulders. I'm not sure what to report on now. I am almost at $1,000 left on my car. But money is tight this month because I have to buy Christmas presents. I already purchased something for my mom. My brother and I are going in on it. Now I just need to find something for my dad and Robin. And my friends. I really don't want anything from my friends because I feel bad if I can't get anything for them. I know it's the thought that counts but I still feel bad. Tonight I have to finish my research paper for my Communication class. It's not hard. I just don't feel like doing it. I'm glad I only have a couple weeks left of this semester. It seems like it's gone by fast but not fast enough. I wish I had known that the last day to drop a class was last Friday. Because then I'd completely qualify for that other grant. Sigh. Oh well. My fault I guess. I need to go to Hobby Lobby and buy a poster and some glitter. I have to make a poster for my presentation tomorrow. I guess I'll go do that now. |
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Things I need/want: New computer speakers BLACK Under Armor for when I go skiing :) More undies, since my dog chewed most of them up -.- Money to pay off my car!! So close!!!! More music A new ipod lol maybe a 16 or 32 gb clothes (or giftcards to places to get clothes) carpet or tile for my bedroom -.- ..money to move out... I can't stand living at home anymore. She makes my life miserable. She's so disgusting. I don't know how she can live the way she does. I'm so sick of cleaning up after her. She's a disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. And sometimes I'm ashamed to be related to her. I'm so pissed off right now. I can't stand her. |
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I just need to get over it. And I need better friends. I don't get how you think that we can be friends if you treat me like this. |
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First time in a while I've wanted to cry because of a migraine. I won't sleep tonight. |
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My grandma had surgery today. She got some kidney stones 'blasted' today. She's already home and is doing well. School is going good and I've been practicing some math, so it's not too bad. I have work today at 3 but I figured I'd update this a little bit. Chris and I are back together. I missed him quite terribley, even if I was putting up a front and trying to forget about him. It was nice to have a break and explore the single world. However, it's much nicer having someone to call your own. He's been doing well this past week. He calls, texts, even came up this weekend. He's doing things that shows he cares. That's all that I wanted. I've also been giving him his space. You know, not calling/texting/bitching all the time. Being single for that month made me realize that I'm happy by myself. I can handle things on my own. So I don't feel so dependant on Chris like I used to. I think the break up made us both realize a few things and I'm happy we're back together and can make things work. Hopefully if all goes well, I'll be able to graduate from CNM at the end of the Summer 2010. Then hopefully, I'll be accepted to NMHU and will finish my bachelors of social work. Still stuck at Best Buy but I'm grateful that I have a job. One that is flexible with my school schedule and one that pays decently. Mother and I are on good terms currently, so that's good. I think Bella ate something bad because she .. yeah, just not pretty. Well, that's all for now. Hope everyone is doing well. :) |
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I would very much like to jump off a cliff right now. |
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My medication is working pretty well. I have lots to update on, but for now I will just post these lyrics sung by Carrie Underwood.
"I Know You Won't"
I know you don't mean to be mean to me
'Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong
We belong
Lately you make me feel all I am is a back-up plan
I say I'm done and then you smile at me and I forget
Everything I said
I buy into those eyes
And into your lies
You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
I wish you were where you're supposed to be
Close to me
But here I am just staring at this candle burning out
And still no sound
Of footsteps on my stairs
Or your voice anywhere
You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
You say you'll call, but I know you won't
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I wanna lay in your bed Stare in your eyes Feel your heart beating with mine One Last Time... One Last Time... There won't be any tears
That's not why I'm here.
Baby, turn out the lights and lets disappear.
One Last Time...
One Last Time.. I'm not here to fight
About who's wrong or right
I just want your kiss
I wanna feel just like this
One Last Time...
One Last Time... Your breath on my neck
I dont wanna forget the smell of your skin.
Touch me again.
One Last Time... Cause I'm not here to fight
About who's wrong or right
I just want your kiss
I want to feel just like this.
One Last Time...
One Last Time... And then when you fall asleep
I'll kiss your cheek
Whisper goodnight
I'll just leave
One Last Time. |
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I wish I knew what I wanted. And I wish someone would make this easier. |
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Fun times...!! Got sent home early (again) so now I have some time to myself. Had a fun night last night at the costume party. I went as Tinkerbell. Esty was a terrorist (hahaha), Isaac was a pirate, and my good friend Ashley was the Cheshire Cat. All in all, it was a good party. We played a couple drinking games. Uno, Kings (my personal favorite!) and then just chilled. I was pretty intoxicated. Made it home safe and sound. Then, made a giant mistake of drunk dialing someone. But over all, it was a good night. I got my hair done today :) I got my roots done and got some bangs. It's stressful at work because they are cutting hours left and right. They're trying to save money for closer to the holiday season. I didn't expect to get sent home early tonight, so I don't have anything to do but relax :) |
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What a night :) Smoked some hookah with Esty and just talked about everything. Then went and saw Paranormal Activity with Isaac. Haha...It was an entertaining movie. Not really scary, more like jumpy and WTF-ish. I don't see what all the hype was about. I thought The Ring was scarier. Today was overall a good day. It snowed!!! I was sitting in my math class, dozing off, and I glance out the window and BAM! it looked like a blizzard! The whole class got excited. The teacher got a little happy too. We got out a little early and I went to a friends house and hung out till I had to go to Astro. I don't know anything about Astronomy, yet I still do well on the tests and homework. It's all about memorizing the sample questions and answers. :) I'm good at that. Numbers and equations and all that crap, not so good at memorizing. I got a 30% on my last math exam. I started talking to this kid next to me and he's going to help me study. I'll also go to tutoring more, too. I really have to do good this semester. I'm doing great in Comm. and Astronomy. Even sociology I'm doing okay in. And my astro lab! But math is bringing me down. I hope I pass it. It's the last math class that I have to take. I feel so close yet so far away. Janice is going to try to get pre-approved for a loan to buy a house. I told her about my issue with my mother. She's going to try to find a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house. I will help her with the bills and the mortgage(Sp?). She's also wanting a backyard, so it'll be perfect with Bella. It'll be scary moving out on my own. Technically, not on my own, but away from my mom. I'm so close to paying off my car!! So close, yet so far... I'm kind of scared because this time next year will be like the begining of my adult life. I'll (hopefully) be going to NMHU and living on my own. It's scary how fast I grew up. I used to say to my mom all the time, "I can't wait till I turn 18, cause I'm moving out!" HA! I don't wanna leave the nest yet. I may dislike my mom, but shit. It's nice having a house to come home to and not have to pay rent. Yeah, I pay for everything else. But it's still nice to know I have somewhere to call home. I have so much on my mind. I can't wait until tomorrow night because I'm going to a party with Ben, Isaac and Esty at Ben's old bosses house. It's a costume party and I'm dresssing up as Tinkerbell :) Too bad my hair appointment isn't until Saturday, but oh well. I have to figure out how to do my hair and make up. I went to the mall and Hobby Lobby last night and got some green flip flops and some white puffy feather things and made Tinkerbell shoes. I also bought some wicked green eye shadow from Hot Topic and some white fishnet stockings (lol). I also bought some glitter for "hair and body" so I'll be all sparkley and...fairy-ish haha yay I love Halloween but hate it at the same time. It's a rough time for my mom being Jenny's birthday and all. She didn't let me go out on my own for Halloween until I was 15ish and I got to go trick or treating with Ashley HT until 930. Haha but now she has no control, but I'll still respect her wishes on Halloween. I owe her that much. I wish I had been able to meet Jenny. It'd be nice to have an older sister to help me through all of this. Big brothers aren't very helpful with matters of the heart.
Current Mood: |
 confused | |
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My mom kinda kicked me out again. Apparently, I have to find a place soon. She didn't tell me when. She's bluffing. But it still sucks. I don't like being yelled at. She's a fat, dick sucking cunt. I hate living with her but she has me trapped with my car payment. Sigh. On a brighter note, I got a new sweatshirt and some stuff for my tinkerbell costume :) And I saw someone awesome today, too. That's what really made my day. |
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"'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met till you were making me cry
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life
Ain't it a shame
A shame that every time you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can't think straight?
And ain't it sad
You can't forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see
Or do you wish it was me?"
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You're the one who put an end to this relationship. You said that you didn't have feelings for me. You said that you didn't even like me anymore. You said that you couldn't show me any affection. I gave you the answers to help our relationship and you said that you couldn't do it. Simple shit, you know? The distance was hard, and all I wanted you to do was just call me more. And talk to me more? Was that so much to ask for? I put everything into that relationship. I gave it my all. I gave you everything. I loved you with all that I possibley could. I told you things, I confided in you. And what did you do? You crushed me. You tore me down, you made me feel so small. You promised me. You swore that you'd never break my heart. You swore that you would be there for me. And that foolish valentine's gift, the "i'll love you forever!"...that's just a joke. And now you go and do something stupid. Something foolish. How could you just throw something like us away? You weren't even trying! It takes two to make a relationship work. I was the one doing all of the work. It doesn't work that way, sweetie. I need someone who cares about me, who wants to actually spend time with me. I need someone that's going to be there for me when things get rough. And were you there for me? No. I needed you. I wasted so many tears on you. You were never supposed to make me cry. And you smoking pot over the summer? What else were you lying about? How could I ever trust you? You never did anything to help build my trust. All you did was give me reasons not to trust you. That 'camping trip' with Wayne, that camping trip with your family, that night you told me to come over but you went over to Waynes instead. And, of course, her. Back in March is when I first started to lose my faith in you. When my mom was in the hospital, and I really needed you. You weren't there for me. You didn't give half a shit about me. And you spent all that time with her and your other friends. I'm sure you had many fun drunken nights with all of them. But you couldn't even bother to pick up your phone or even look at your phone. You hurt me. And now you're upset because I'm finally trying to move on? I'm sorry, but you're the one who put an end to this relationship. |
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Yet ANOTHER reason I love the winter!! SNOW!!!! First snow of the year for me... :) This makes me so happy!!! |
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I can finally get my brakes on my car done without having to worry about money!!!! I was watching my friend/co-workers dogs for the past week because she was on vacation with her family in California. It wasn't hard to do or out of my way or anything. But...She paid me $200!!! I wasn't expecting ANYTHING because I was just doing her a favor!!! And she got me this cute dolphin snow globe from Sea World! :) She's such a great person. I really didn't mind watching her two dogs; they were really sweet. That really made my day. I'm so grateful for the money. It's going to cost over $700 for me to get my wisdom teeth out, which sucks a lot. But it needs to happen. And getting my brakes done with be another $100-150 (I think). And if that's not what's making the squeeky noise in my car, then I don't even know how much it would be to get that fixed. I'm going to do my brakes, then if the noise continues, I will have to take it in or ask my neighbor (Chris, who screwed me over before with fixing my car) to look at it. Hopefully it's nothing serious. I also need to take my car in for an oil change here in the next few hundred miles. I also need a carwash haha and need to clean the inside. But today is my day to do some chores around the house, and I may start to clean my car. It's not dirty, it just needs a good wipe down. I am so happy right now, words can barely describe it. I'm so blessed to have the people in my life that I do have. They are amazing and make me feel like I am not alone. Which is the best feeling, a feeling of security and friendship. :) Oh. And I only owe $1,301.95 on my car now :) YES!
Current Mood: |
 grateful | |
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I don't know exactly what I'm feeling right now. It's strange. I'm still kind of numb.
I'm also very tired. This new medication is supposed to help me sleep, and it does for the most part. But it makes me tired through out the day. Maybe I will get used to it. I haven't gotten a headache since I started them, so that's a good sign that they are working.
I have to go in to work at 8 AM because of stupid meeting. I'm debating on whether or not I should get a coffee from Starbucks or not. I suppose I'll be pretty useless without a little caffiene. But the doctor said I should have less caffiene. I haven't been drinking that much coffee lately anyway. And I kind of need a pick me up. This past week was kind of a rough one.
Thursday I had two midterms. The Astronomy one I was ready for. The math....I know I failed. But I'm going to go to the tutor place at school after every math class and get some help. I can't afford to fail, litterally. I can't afford it. I wouldn't be able to go to school in the spring if I lost my financial aid.
I'm doing pretty good. Minus the math class and the tired-ness. I'm happy, still. And I haven't thought about him all that much. There's really no need. It doesn't even make me sad at all when I do think about him. Because I know that he's not worth my time. I need to find people that won't lie to me, that won't use me, that will be there just because they like who I am as a person. I hate being used. And that's how I felt when it ended. I still feel that way, though.
I don't really know what else to write. I've got so much built up but I can't seem to let it all out. I guess I'll just save all of that for a private post.
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I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you I’m fallin’ for you
:)
Current Mood: |
happy | |
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All of this rain is making me happy. :) |
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kimobi's journal